What I've Seen
by Raphaelfanguy4real
Summary: This is a one shot that was literally a spur of the moment inspiration, i sat down and typed the whole thin gin an hour, so, it's about after the season four finale, i dunno if this is gonna be good or not so just keep flames to a minimum for my poor heart. anyway, it's from Raph's POV. feel free to review! don't wanna spoil, so just trust in the rating.


I sat with my head bowed, then i heard Mikey ask where Donnie was, it sounded like i was under water, i shook my head to clear it.

"I think the lab." i replied softly, "he's trying to...get his mind off things." my youngest brother nodded in understanding and walked to the lab, i decided to listen, i sat outside the lab, neither brother saw me.

"Hey Donnie?" Mikey asked, man, the genius looked worn out, i almost stopped Mikey, but decided against it.

"Yeah?" Donatello asked, rubbing his eyes.

"You know those cheesy movies…" Mikey hesitated, and then talked so fast i almost didn't understand. "Where when someone dies everyone says they aren't really gone?" my mouth goes dry, what's the kid doing?

"Yeah." Donnie says cautiously, "why?"

"What does it mean? And...is it true?" my heart reaches out to Mikey, the poor kid. I'm almost glad he wasn't in my place that night, but i wish i hadn't been there either. Donnie frowns and turns to Mikey, his eyes see me but he says nothing about me eavesdropping.

"Well." he starts slowly, "i think it means that if we remember a person, they never fully leave our hearts. That if they were special enough to us a part of them is in us, and can't ever be taken away." he's looking at me again, "and yeah, i think it's true. Remember in the farmhouse, when we thought he was gone?" Mikey's lip trembles.

"Yeah dee."

"You kept, erm, quoting him. You'll always remember what he taught you. So yeah, it's true." Mikey gave a shaky laugh.

"I'm horrible at remembering quotes." he said softly. I smiled for the first time in a week.

"That's what we like about it." i whisper, i leave as he spins around, just now realizing i was there. I walk to the dojo, Leo's still there, meditating in front of the shrine we made. Man, fearless looks really put out...i dunno if i should, but i approach him.

"Hey bro." i say, "wanna spar?" he looks up, surprised.

"Sure." he nods, probably thinks he's doing this for me, but i'm doing it for him, that doesn't mean I'm gonna go easy on him though. I grab my sai and he picks up his Katana from where he left it leaning against the tree, he holds it up, but he does it halfheartedly.

"What are you gonna do, tap me?" I ask pointedly, Leo offers a small smile.

"Alright, alright, I'll do this." he says, steadying his stance and holding it ready, for real this time. We stare at each other for a moment, Leo's eyes narrow, it's the look of determination I'd been hoping for and I suddenly lung at him, swerving at the last second, he swipes downward and smacks my leg, broadside of course, I stumble but quickly regain my footing, He spins and smiles, I knew this would clear his head, Like it usually does mine. I jump at his head but a memory flashes through my head, I used the same move on shredder before...then something in me snaps and i kick my brother full in the head, he snaps back, shocked, we've never gotten that physical. I land on my feet, aware that a gasp had come from where Mikey and Donnie are now watching, Leo glares at me and lunges fiercely, I duck and swipe my leg, a move from the shredder himself. The memory of cold blades ripping through flesh overwhelms me and i roar in anger, dropping to my knees and stabbing my sais into the wood.

"Raph?" Leo asks, "Raph are you ok? Did i-"

"I'm...Fine…" i manage, clenching my fists against the rugs that cover the floor, "just...Give me a sec to clear my head…" I shake my head and the memory fades, though never leaves, it never will. I stand and sigh heavily. "Sorry Leo, I just…"

"It's ok Raph." my only older brother says, putting his hand on my shoulder, "we all grief differently." I nod but turn away, shrugging the hand away and wiping my suddenly moist eyes.

"Yeah." i whisper, "differently." it hits me, none of my brothers saw what i saw, only April has. She was there with me, when i watched my father and mentor be stabbed violently. "Going out." i grumble, i decide to leave my sais in the floor, so i don't hurt anyone by accident. Mikey gently touches my arm as i pass him, but he doesn't say a word.

"Call me in an hour." Leo says, "and don't do anything you'll regret, too much." I nod and go to the garage, i climb onto my stealth bike and turn it on, the engine roars to life, I hit the gas and make a break for April's neighborhood, somehow, just knowing that she saw what i saw, comforts me. I really need to talk to someone and I'm not gonna talk to fearless, not gonna terrify Mikey or Donnie either, and Casey...well...he was unconscious for most of the fight so he wasn't anywhere close to me, well, he did squash shredder in a trash compactor, which was legit. I blink and realize i was going too fast, i slam on the brakes and stop an inch away from slamming into the cinderblock wall of the sewer. Glancing around, i know I'm close to April's house, so i hide the bike and climb topside, taking to the rooftops. I see April's light is on in her room, and her silhouette on the other side of her curtain, she's sitting on the bed, but that's all i can tell. I drop onto the fire escape and knock lightly, but not before i hear her sobbing, they abruptly stop and she turns, pulling the curtains open. Her eyes betray a flicker of surprise at seeing me there, instead of Donnie, i mean, the guy's gone to her house every day in the past week, not today though, i hope he doesn't show up when i'm here, talk about awkward. The glass window slides open and April leans out.

"Hey Raph." she says, holding back sobs, I know how hard it is to talk without crying sometimes, But i really need to talk to her, i wince inside, knowing i'm gonna make her cry. "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you for a few days." I sigh, and pace back and forth on the fire escape, rubbing my head. I know I must look crazy, good thing most Psychiatric homes wouldn't accept a giant talking turtle.

"I-" i can't talk all the sudden, the words sticking in my throat. "I needed to talk to someone." if she wasn't surprised before she sure is now.

"Talk, to me?" she asks, "don't you talk to Casey?"

"Well yeah," i shrug, "he's my best friend, but...he wouldn't understand." understanding dawns in her eyes and she steps back as a few raindrops hit my head.

"Come on in, you can talk to me whenever." she says softly, I accept her invitation, though it's slightly awkward to be in her room, i mean, without the other guys. It's almost as neat and tidy as fearless's room, about the same as mine is usually to tell the truth. A cluttered room is hard to calm down in, i know from experience. I start pacing again, though i don't notice, I rub my head again and sigh.

"It's just…" I shake my head, "i can't talk to the guys about something they didn't see." April closes her eyes, as if she'd been trying to forget the image of flesh being torn by metal, the horrible squelching sound it made, I realize this helps noone, not even me, so i abruptly walk to her window. "Sorry April, you don't need this, I'll go, get some rest, you look tired." she opens her mouth to speak but I leave before she makes a sound, the rain is coming down harder now, and i run carelessly across the rooftops, not even noticing where i'm going. I know my hour is up, but i can't call Leo, not right now. I see the skyscraper i never want to see again and scream at the sky, cursing every thing that could have made this happen to our family.

"Why? Why him? Why our family?" raindrops run down my face and onto my lips, they are not tears, most of them aren't anyway. I come to a halt, panting, at the edge of a building, i see the concrete below, and imagine a crumpled form on the asphalt below, not Splinters, no...mine. A sudden thought seizes me and i stumble backwards, no, no no no. I am not going there, my family needs me to protect them.

 _Like you protected your father?_ A voice in my head asks, I groan and rub my temples. I know Splinter's death was not my fault, not at all, so why does the guilt overwhelm me so? I know why, i was so close, less than five feet away as my father breathed his last, but i was the last of his sons to get to his side on the sidewalk below, shredder threw him off a building, i hate the shredder. A sick twist in my gut makes me relish in the memory of our revenge, shredder will never harm anyone again, he'll be down in tartarus where all monsters belong. He's probably there now, suffering endless torment. The thought makes me happier, and the feeling of loss in my gut bigger. I stare at the edge of the building, the feeling i had moments ago stronger than before. I shake my head and close my eyes, I can't go that far just to see my dad again, my brothers would never live through that. My eyes snap open and i see that my feet are carrying me to the edge again, i stare at the asphalt, a dizzying five stories below, i lean back, this can't be happening, i've lost it, i lost everything. But then a bundle of green, yellow, and blue hits me. Leo saw me from the building across the alley i guess, I fall back on my shell and scream in agony, not out of pain, but agony, the loss in my gut is deeper, twisting. Leo pants a few feet away, leaning on his knees, he's soaked, i wonder how he knew where i was.

"What the shell were you doing?" he asks hoarsely, I lay on my back, letting the rain wash the tears out of my eyes. "What was that?" Leo asks more fiercely, I suddenly release the sob that had built up in me.

"I'm sorry." I whisper, "I didn't mean… i think i lost control."

"Ya think?" Leo shouts, yanking me up by the arm, "you think that Raphael? You didn't think of what that would do to us? To our family? Did you think about Mikey and Donnie Raph? Did you think about me? Did you think about Splinter?" his breath catches as he speaks the name of our deceased father. I pull away from his grip and my eyes dart wildly, I know Leo's right, I was being selfish, but i couldn't stop however much i wanted too. "Did you think?" he whispers to me, "It's a good thing April called me or I'd have just lost my brother, and I would never live through that." i take a shuddering breath.

"I said i was sorry." I say dully, "it won't happen again." a thought seizes me. "Don't tell Mikey and Donnie Leo, please!" my brother waves a hand in front of his eyes and frowns.

"I can't promise that Raph, what if you try again?"

"I won't!" I shout, "Leo, I was never gonna take that jump, you should know that!"

"I would believe you!" Leo snapped, "But April said you looked so lost, so afraid, I could never picture you like that before today Raph, never." I frown, "and you know what? April is psychic Raph, she knew something was wrong as soon as you ran out of her room-"

"I didn't technically run." i interrupt, Leo glares at me.

"It's a good thing she called and said to go check on you because she would never have made that jump in time to catch you!" I rub my eyes and frown.

"I was standing Leo, not falling.

"You sure about that?" Leo asks, "because i was pretty sure you were falling when i rammed into you." I feel my resolve breaking.

"You saved my life Leo." i say, "i can never thank you enough for that, and i wish i could have repaid the favor." a frown creases my brother's face, his mask wrinkles.

"What? You've saved my shell more times than i can count." he states, "we're even." I shake my head and turn running to the edge, I jump onto the fire escape and hear his gasp through the thundering rain, he thinks i just jumped again.

"Raph!" he cries, I see him look at me, "Raph that was bad, really bad."

"Going home." i growl, landing heavily on the concrete, i lift a manhole cover and look at him. "You comin'?" he follows me into the sewers and i grin at him. "Race you to the lair." i offer, he eyes me cautiously, like he's afraid i'll escape and try to jump again, maybe seven stories this time. Then he shrugs and bolts towards the lair, i race after him, even now i know i'll lose, i've always been slower than my brothers, it's obvious even now, after years of individualised training to strengthen my shorter legs. He waits for me at the turnstiles and i flash him a fake grin, i know i made him feel a bit better, running does that to a guy.

"Hey dudes." Mikey says, "I'm gonna make lasagna, it'll be ready in a half hour!"

"Ok." Leo says, then looks around. "Where's don? I need to talk to him." my stomach drops.

"Leo please." i say, "please just let this go."

"No way." he says firmly, "C'mon Raphael." his hand grabs my arm and he yanks me to the lab, Donnie's in there and Leo throws me into a chair, i fold my arms and glare at him as Donnie jumps in surprise.

"Leo! Raph! You're back! How'd it...go…?" he see's we're both soaking wet and that i'm glaring murder at Leo, Leo looks at me sternly, but with concern.

"I found him about a mile east from April's house." he states, "standing on the edge of a building, staring at the ground." Donnie's mind makes the connections quickly, and looks at me, first surprised, then sad.

"Raph…" he whispers, "a few hours ago you were trying to make us all feel better, and it worked, i heard Mikey whistling one of sensei's lullaby's after Leo left, you did something Raph, and then you just-" he shakes his head, "why?"

"Leo thought he saw that but he was wrong!" I insist, jumping to my feet. "none of you've ever been me, or seen what i seen-"

"What?" Leo asks, his tiny brain confused, ok that was rude. I mentally apologise. "What do you mean, seen what you've seen?" I suck in my breath.

"I meant that I'm glad none of you've seen it." i grumble, "specially Mikey, he don't need that in his head." Donnie looks at me for a moment and then his mouth forms a round 'o'.

"You and April." Donnie says, "I heard her side of it…that's why you went over there tonight right?" I glare in the general direction of April's house.

"She told you? I specifically didn't want you guys to know about it because it doesn't matter!" I realize I'm shouting but can't stop. "None of you were there! I was less than five feet away and couldn't save my own shelling father!" Leo's eyes widen, no doubt remembering what i said earlier tonight. "And I wasn't trying to do that, i didn't wanna, something inside me did but not me!"

"Raph-" i can't tell who's talking, i just start pacing and waving my arms around.

"I was there the whole time! If I didn't get knocked out for a minute it would have been me! Not him!" I realize I'm crying and wipe the offending tears away quickly, "I was the last to get to him because I was on the top of that building as he- as he-" I can't continue but i feel warm arms wrap around me, Mikey. Oh shell Mikey, i'm sorry.

"It's ok bro." he whispers, "I know it's hard but you did great this whole time, i knew this was gonna end up happening eventually."

"H-how much did you-" Mikey smiles.

"Just the part that you're somehow responsible for shredder's actions." he says lightly, "nothing else." I know he's lying, he heard everything.

"We'll have to watch him." I hear Leo whisper to Donnie, "I don't want to go through all of it again."

"You won't." i promise, "because Mikey's right, I just need some lasagna..." I sniff the air, "even if it's burned a bit." Mikey's eyes widen.

"My lasagna!" he yelps, and races out of the room, I laugh at his retreating back and Leo puts and arm around my shoulders, i let him this time. Leo smiles at me.

"Race you to the kitchen," he challenges, I bolt away before he says go.

"Hey!" Donnie yelps after me, "cheater!" he still wins though, Leo comes in last but Donnie's first because of his longer legs, Mikey serves us only slightly blackened lasagne and then suggests a movie, i know it's his way of keeping spirits light, so I agree with Leo and Donnie. We spend the rest of the night and early morning playing games and watching the movie, a popcorn fight may have been involved, definitely not started by me, but for the first time in days, my brothers are all smiling at the same time, and to my surprise, i am too. I can almost feel my father's warm gaze watching us laugh and prank one another, i definitely didn't start that either, and when i turn, i could almost see his form standing outside the dojo, cane in hand, smiling. He nods to me and when i blink he's gone, I turn back and open my mouth, catching the piece of popcorn that was meant for the back of my head.

"No way dude!" Mikey gasps, "do it again!" I'm filled with peace as the sun rises through the grate and the last of the grayness leaves the sky, leaving it an endless blue, something uncommon in new york. Leo seems to see the change in me and grins.

"Try it upside down!" he calls, and that's how the biggest mess in the history of popcorn messes came to be.


End file.
